Monday, May 25, 2009

Now I'm the Momma

I distinctly remember as a child stating…’when I’m the momma I will do it differently’, or making this statement ‘I won’t make my kids do that’. Thinking that my parents were totally in the land of the clueless or were just torturing me with silly rules. I even carried these pre conceived thoughts into my adulthood and looked at other mothers out in public and thought…’there is no way my child will do that, say that or act out like that’. Again all these statements, claims and thoughts were pre children.

First of all "mom and dad please forgive me for my pride that hazed my view of what I thought reality to be".

Second "from one momma heart to another…grace mommas…grace for yourself, grace for those children…and I say it again…live in grace!"

I have a weird quirky issue…you might have heard of it or even seen someone with this issue, or maybe you might have had issues with this issue yourself.

Hi my name is Nichole and I have an issue with needing to be in control.

This little issue is like a security blanket for me that I find myself being very dependent on. A blanket that I use to wrap over many areas of my life. I have wrapped it over relationships with family members and friends, I have wrapped it over my academics, my career, my health and believe it or not I have wrapped it over my ability to be a mother to my boys. I have found myself very wrapped up in the idea that I am in control of them as their mother. I have felt warmth in the security that I can control all that they say, do and even sad as it maybe I have had a false belief in that I have control over what happens to them.

It takes a trip to Costco to have this blanket stripped off very quickly, an episode that exposes me to the cold harshness of my issue with needing to be in control.

Friday afternoon we visited our local Costco, a huge warehouse that offers the momma items in bulk and the little boy’s yummy snacks as they sample all the items they offer to the mommas in bulk. We must have hit the day of all days as they were sampling more items than normal which really pleased the boys. We are done snacking and loading the cart and we head to the checkout where my little son has the biggest tantrum I have ever experienced in my entire life. So loud, so obvious, and so embarrassing. There was nothing I could do. It completely quieted the entire front of Costco while we were trying to checkout. I could not get him to listen, or quiet down. He screamed and yelled at me the entire time we loaded our stuff on the counter and checked out. I was so embarrassed. Pride? What a moment of realizing I cannot control the behavior of my children. I started to let the tears run down my face as I paid for our stuff and headed out to the car. I loaded the stuff in the car. I cried the entire way home in the car. We get home and I send my little son to his room to remove his very ‘sticky root beer ice cream clothes’ and so I could talk to him about his behavior. After I finish unloading the car I go in and my little son has decided not to listen. So I go in and help him get clean clothes on and put him in his bed. He continues for awhile and gives in after about 2 hours and falls asleep.

With the removal of a false security blanket, the shedding of tears and moments with God, I was brought before a Sovereign God…a God who is in control.

A God who wanted me to give up my control and my attachments to a false hope, a false security that I had placed in my abilities to be a mother. He wanted me to put my hope in Him. To place my hope in His plan and purposes.

It was Sunday night when God used Costco to really educate me. It was Sunday night when I saw that my control issues keep me from seeing the face of God.

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up. James 4:10

My control issues keep me from seeing God as Sovereign and in control.

I get so completely focused on living out my story. In the Honor Them post I share that my heart as a little girl had created what she wanted and needed her parents to be and do…when God’s story was better! For He had such awesome purpose and plan in the way He brought my parents into relationship with Him. He was in control!

I tend to lose sight of the larger story. The God story!

**Are you living out your story, or His story?

I get so completely focused on ‘making my story work’. I think I need to control all that my boys do and say. Rather I need to turn in my script and start hearing and seeing the one He has written. When I allow Him to create me to be the momma He needs me to be then I will be living in His story.

I want to be lost in the larger story of God. I want to be so caught up in His story that I have no issue with the need to control things.

In the Bible there is a book titled Hebrews and in the 11 chapter you will find a bunch of people who were caught up in Gods story.

**Do you want to be lost in His story?

Thank You God for removing a false security blanket that I use to depend on. A false hope in my own abilities as a momma. Thank You for reminding me that I am the momma and that You are God and You are in control and that You have a story. A story filled with Your perfect purposes! Amen

May we be so enthralled, so enveloped, and so involved in His story!


From the Heart said...

God bless you Nicole. You are so honest and such a caring person. I love the way you just let go and tell things that some of us probably would not do. It is so helpful to know that people you put on a pedestal (not you) are as human as I am. I can identify with a few of the things you mentioned. As I told before my mother was very controlling. I vowed that I would not do that to my children especially after they married and left home. Well after reading your post I'm wondering if I went overboard with that. I do not call them every day and I probably call my youngest daughter more than I do my oldest. I do no hear from them as often as I would like. Maybe they do need to hear from Mom more often. I'll have to pray about that.
Thanks for sharing your heart.

The Friday Challenge to laugh and have fun happened to me. I told you that I very seldom laugh. Well Friday night my husband and I were watching some of the reruns of Jon & Kate +8 shows. If anyone has seen this series you will know what I'm talking about. They had a set of twins and then 8 at one time and they have been doing a reality show on the Discovery Chanel I think.
Anyway it was close to Christmas and Kate had the children draw names and then she and Jon took them shopping. The gifts were wrapped and put under the tree and then there was a shot of all this with a white gate around the tree and the gifts. For some reason this was so hilarious that I laughed and laughed. I told my husband, I've got to tell Nicole that I actually laughed as you asked. I told this to my sister-and brother-in-law and I laughed again. It still is the most hilarious things I have ever seen.
May God bless you,
From my heart to yours,

Nicole said...

Awesome post! I'm sure I will understand this all too soon in regards to being a parent (not insinuating anything). I too have pre parent ideas, and we'll see how they play out. I'm sure not like I have congured up. I want God to be in control and it to be His story. But if I am honest, which I desire to be, there are definetly times that it is not about His story. I am just as human as the next, but desire to surrender every area to Him!

Love you!


Lori said...

Nichole, You just say it like it really is and I just love you to pieces! Talk about a control freak! Funny thing is, I actually spent many, many years thinking I WAS in control! Now, that is something to hoot about! I thought I had it all together. I was the perfect daughter, perfect student, perfect friend, perfect teacher, perfect house-wife...God was just probably looking down, and chuckling to Himself! Looking back, I really did think I had it together! I even thought I dressed perfect. Talk about conceit and pride!

Then, came my two little darlings!
:) My two sons! My two little cherubs that brought me not to my knees, but face-down, flat on my face!!!! God, in His mercy reeled me back in to Him. How could I, the, "teacher-of-the-year" able to control a classroom effortlessly, be SO able to NOT control two little boys! I was going along for awhile, reading the 'right' parenting books, doing all the 'things' good parents do...but, God had other things in-store for me! He wanted me to be apart of His story! He allowed me to lose my self-control, so that I would totally be controlled by Him! He was so sweet to make me realize that the dreams and desires that I had for my boys were not the dreams and desires He had for them! I totally gave up my control and began turning my days over to Him. I, without a doubt live to please my Father! I'm absolutely crazy about my Father! I know that I am nothing without Him. Just scum! It is only Him, that I desire to please! I am so very humbled before Him and never do I want to lose sight of my Heavenly Father,or to not feel His presence. He's my everything!

I love walking (reading) the hall of faith chapter---Heb. 11. Oh, to have the faith of these Godly people. When I die, I want my life to be remembered by the faith I have in Christ. Seeking Him through His Word, daily. Following Him...Believing in Him. Obeying His little and big whispers. To be the apple of God's eyes!

Thank you for your post today, Nichole! I know where my past has been. I'm now passionate and crazy to live my life for His Story for me.

Hugs coming your way, Lori -AZ

Alice, I laughed out loud remembering a "gate" I had put up to block off our 'beautiful formal living quarters'! Ha!!! Ha!!! One day, I stepped over this "gate." And of course, little eyes were on me! My little, active, climbing, son, followed suit! Hee...Hee...
That was the beginning for me. That was when I really started living for Him. Not just my words. Not just my actions. But, my whole heart! Thank you dear Father for my two sons.

Runner Mom said...

Hey, girlfriend!! Loved this Costco moment! Leave it to God to chose His moment on His Kingdom calendar! And, you are not alone! We've had Wal-Mart moments, movie moments, swimming pool moments, and the best of all, church moments! NO, we are not in control of our little ones or our big ones! But praise Him, HE IS!!! Just relax and smile and give it back to Him. It does get better--I promise!!


~*~KIMBERLY~*~ said...

Very interesting Nichole.

Kimberly said...

Hello. My name is Kimberly. I too have control issues. Should we start a support group? ;)

Friend, you are so sweet and so wise. We do need to let go of the stories we are trying so hard to make happen...for ourselves and for our children. This is a great post and a great reminder. We for sure have had our "fun" public moments. And I have cried more than once after leaving a store with all three of my gals! :)

Love you!
Wanting to walk in His plan for me,

Leslie said...

First of all, hugs to you for having to go through that humbling experience on Friday. We are all so ready to judge others...especially mommas judging other mammas:-( I know it had to be embarrassing!

I think my hubby actually has a harder time needing to be in control of what our kids say and do than I do. Therefore, he and I struggle with each other regarding what they can and cannot do. (Especially when it comes to snacking of all things!) I've been in a relationship with the Lord longer than he has, so I think I tend to put things in His hands more easily than my hubby does.

(Okay, this is I'm typing this my hubby has returned from the grocery store. He has come upstairs to where I am and is harping on how much our older son eats. I'm not kidding!)

Thank you for this post and for your honesty in your writing!

Deb said...

Can so relate to the whole control thing...I need to learn to just hang...have a long way to go.

Thanks for sharing.

Cool blog.

The Patterson 5 said...

It's amazing how you were writing parts of my story too! Were you there that day in the Kroger?!? Thanks for the reminder that it is God who is in control! And boy, am I thankful for that! His plans are greater than any we could ever imagine! Love to you dear sister in Christ!

Cindy said...

OK, so if there is a momma out there who is not laughing out loud after reading that story, then the need to let loose a little.

I don't think there is a momma alive who hasn't wanted to be different from their parents and then realizes we can't live life in fairy tale land.

I love how God uses ALL things in our lives to teach US while we are teaching our children. And guess what, it doesn't stop when they grow up either.

My boys are 23 and 27 and I continue to leave about my own 'control' issues and how to love them while allowing them to live their own lives! ugh!!

Bless you for your honesty and continued faithfulness to God's purpose in this season of your life.

Blessings, Cindy

Sue J. said...

There is nothing, I am convinced, to make you realize the grace of God than at the close of the day, having been a mom to your children!

RJ2 is a little autistic, and God continues to tell me that I cannot control this, no matter how much I want to think that I someday will. You try to anticipate the problem days, but, sometimes, things just explode. I cry less and carry more lollipops!

Sometimes, God tells you that you need to look at things differently, no matter how you grew up. If He has called you to care for a particular child, then you need to trust His guidance--alone!--in what is best at a given time.

Such lessons He gives.... He is always good!

ShowSomeLovin said...

You're amazing - Thank you so much for sharing your story and insights. As women, I think that we all need to learn to let go of our need to be in control. I know I need stories such as yours to inspire me and give me that boost, so thank you, Nichole! And, how comforting it is to know that God is in control and that we may surrender our need to be at any given moment :) God bless you!

Irritable Mother said...

Amen and amen. From one control-freak momma to another!
So thankful for God's grace and patience with me, as I continue to learn that PERFECT is a title that belongs to HIM alone. Not to me.

Jami @ livelaughlove5 said...

Oh Nichole - that does sound so very familiar!! Your Costco - my Walmart.

Both of us learned valuable lessons it seems! It's great to check in on you again - life hasn't allowed for reading many blogs lately!

Love ya!

Joyful said...

Nichole, as I read this post I just kept thinking of the chapter I read in Lisa Whittle's book, "Behind Those Eyes". Have you read that book? Chapt. 2 is all about how we want to look like the "perfect" Mom and be in control of our children etc...

I remember when my son was younger being totally and completely undone one Sunday....during an ordination service for a new Pastor at our son in the front row, sitting with another family...ENTERTAINING the entire church...oh my goodness...couldn't send my husband up there quick enough during the prayer time to get him out of there...thought I was going to die! Definitely wasn't in control that day! Totally destroyed that entire "Perfect Mom" facade I was trying to keep.

Children certainly do keep one humble,