Friday, October 9, 2009

A girl. A dream. A Wednesday.

With every ounce of my being I want to remain real selfish on this one. I don’t want to share.
In the background somewhere between my heart and my mind I know these words said via Beth Moore yesterday are asking, encouraging and rather insisting I share.

"One of the most important parts of fulfilling our destiny will be transparency" Beth Moore

Yeah proclaiming to be a girl who lives on purpose…a girl who desires to be real…the real He created me to be…knows in her mind that this needs to be backed up with some actions…so I come tonight to share my heart…and am asking Him, rather begging Him to connect the two.

Asking Him to connect my mind and heart.

So picture with me if you will my visual, one that until tonight I have only fully experienced with my Jesus.

Here I am, with a beautiful gift packaged all pretty and tied nicely with a big beautiful bow, I stand before my God with hands reached out and present it to Him. Inside this beautiful wrapped package is a dream, a girls dream. A dream that is so intimate and personal. Knowing that it will only be sacred within His hands and He is the only one who will truly be able to see it for what it truly is, because only He can see the heart that presents this dream.

The dream, to be 100% fully submitted to Him, so that I can be used by Him to bring others to His heart.

The dream, to be a Speaker, one who shares her everyday relationship with her Jesus, in hopes to bring Him all the glory and honor!

So Wednesday morning comes and in my inbox is an email inviting me to come and speak at a conference. To which instantly I am excited and elated! As I continued to read on I instantly start to ask questions, as the information presented in the invite does not fully seem true, reliable and even possible.

"Is this the enemy mocking me?"

"How could the enemy pick something I hold so precious and dear to my heart and go there?"

Was this a God divine moment or the enemy pursing a very personal attack?

Ever been there?

I also started to question if I couldn’t fully believe that God could work divinely.

Trusting and knowing in my mind that His ways are not mine.

So within seconds, and minutes I am one big mixed up, emotional mess, that desperately is looking to eat my weight in chocolate and crawl back in bed and not be momma, or wife, or anything else for that matter!

The only thing I could do in my messed up emotional mess was to ask The Engineer who ALWAYS functions under very solid and stable emotions…so unlike his wife…to help me figure out what this email was all about. I also had a girlfriend who listened, hugged, loved on me, and then went to bat for a girlfriend, she truly stood in the gap for me!

The email was not legitimate. It was a scam. Someone who is seeking out speakers and trying to mess with them.

I was hurt. I felt mocked, teased.

I felt as if my very dream was put on display, torn apart, picked through, and mocked.

Something I held so dear to my heart was now not feeling so precious and sacred.

I took myself to Him, to seek His face.

His words were comforting:

God is not unjust; He will not forget your work and the love you have shown Him as you have helped His people and continue to help them. Hebrews 6:10

"Presently you may not be receiving rewards and acclaim, but God knows your efforts of love and ministry. Let God’s love for you and His intimate knowledge of your service for Him bolster you as you face disappointment and rejection here on earth". (Life Application Study Bible, NIV Commentary)

When God speaks He does so on purpose!

And so there is a sense inside of me today that part of the Wednesday ties into the Friday.

Again it’s all for a purpose, and on purpose!

I know from history that death comes on a Friday and resurrection is next!

I can honestly say as of today, Friday it feels as if something has died.

My dream?

No.

Maybe fear? Pride? Selfishness?

But there is something that has been let go of.

But who know’s it could just be on purpose, His purpose of bringing me closer to His heart.

For He is adjusting my direction.

What do you hold so intimately?

Jesus tonight I come seeking to hold Your hand, to be brought closer to You, in the intimate relationship You have for me! Will You continue to change me, and make it more about You? For I desire to be useful! Use me! I love You!-Amen

9 comments:

Joyful said...

Oh my very sweet friend, my heart aches for the disappointment you must have felt. To know that inexpressible joy and then face the reality of being the object of a cruel joke. The commentary you shared from Hebrews is so fitting. It made me think of this song: http://lyrics.filestube.com/song/be6ce607f86e13d903ea,By-Your-Side.html

Hope the lyrics minister to your heart. Rest in Him. He IS using you...on purpose and for His purpose.

Hugs,
Joy

~*~KIMBERLY~*~ said...

This post rips me up. I retreat into my Savior's arms and seek His warmth and love.

More than Survival said...

oh, how cruel!!!!
Taking someones dream and 'messing with it' is just obnoxious!!! God has a plan for your dream... hold tight to that promise!!!!!!
Heather

Sue J. said...

Oh, so very, very hard! I am so thankful that He put your husband and a close friend in your path, to be God in the flesh to guide you and to minister to you.

I know you know down deep what His voice is saying to you (you shared it with us!), and that He is bringing you to a place of even greater trust, greater security in the knowledge of Him.

What someone else meant for harm, God will use to show you good--His goodness!

I'm glad you wrote, (because that helps to purge this from your system!). Now you can face that resurrection with renewed power and strength. Your help comes from the Lord who made Heaven and Earth!!

From the Heart said...

Anytime we step out in faith to do what God has placed on our hearts to do, the enemy will do all within his power (which is none if we don't let him) to stop you. James 1:2 says "2...count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience." In fact you might want to read James 1:1-12. Don't let the enemy win, tell him to "flee in the name of Jesus" (out loud so he can hear you, he can't read your thoughts) he has no authority over you because you are covered by the blood of Jesus and he cannot touch you, in the name of Jesus.

Bless you, Nicole. You will be in my prayers. You are on God's path are you would not be having problems.
From my heart to yours,
AliceE.

Irritable Mother said...

Let's hear it for husbands who operate on steady emotions. I call Brian my "voice of reason." Don't always like that he doesn't "feel" the way I do, but I sure appreciate his ability to think clearly for me when I can't!

And we can always be thankful for the Voice of Truth - Who never lies or misleads, rather speaks what we need to hear when circumstances lead us astray. Hear Him say today that He does love you, and He IS using you.

Nicole said...

I really want to be a counselor. Not a psychologist, but counselor that helps others through the tuff stuff of life by using his word and Holy Spirit to convict and redirect. I have absolutely no idea how or when this dream will come to be. I am just told to wait and be still and know that He is God. It will happen someday and in His way.

Praying for you my dear friend, and thank you for your transparency as I do know that is the best way to bring others closer to his heart, and also helps us be humble. God is at work, and He will not be mocked. Hold on to Him sweet one. Love ya!

Nicole

Anonymous said...

Our God is so awesome !! I took today off work to spend time with God. Over a year ago I felt called to began a speaking ministry. God has brought me through depression and I want to share that hope with other women. However, that calling is where God has chosen to have me wait. He has not yet give me the words to say or the place to say them.

I can only imagine how that email would have hurt me so I sympathize with your confusion and hurt. I pray that the wisdom of your husband, the comfort of your friend and the power God give you the strength to continue to dream the dream He placed in your heart. Amy
Amypboyd@bellsouth.net

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

I think I've been where you're at... many times in regard to my writing. Oh, the tears I have cried and the frustrations I have felt. In many ways, the rejections have felt like a slow death of sorts. Still and yet, God hasn't allowed me to lay down my pen for good; he's simply re-directed it along another path. I've truly had to lay down my "version" of ministry usefulness and allow him to re-shape his vision in me. I'm still not there, but I'm closer now than I was a year ago.

Recently, events have occurred in my life that have changed my perspective about things. And while I'd rather not be facing some things I'm facing, I know that God is using these things to help me get a handle on what's most important.

Hang in there, sweet friend. God will continue to use you in mighty ways, whether on-line, behind the microphone, in your home, and on the street. I pray he is tender to your soul and begins to whisper his affirmation and confirmation over your dreams.

peace~elaine