Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Big Girls Do Cry!

Hello and welcome to the blog.

Call it "welcome back to town, a Monday disguised like a Tuesday, hormone filled, gray hair finding, jeans and sweatshirt, no hair doing kinda day!

Yes friends I might be a big girl on the outside...but it is the heart today that so feels like a little girl who wants to just sit in the corner...or hey maybe even the closet...as there is power in our little walk-in closet...HA!...and just cry!

I know that others have these days...and there are multiple ways to cope...and persevere and get through. My old way would have been me sitting in my jammie pants with an 9x13 pan of brownies and letting the chocolate wisk me away. But being that I am a girlie who has stepped out and is trying this whole obedience and self-control thing...there are no brownies...just tears!

You see for me its realizing I attempted to do it Gods way. I attempted to be obedient. I attempted to love and give grace. I attempted to listen. I attempted to keep my mouth shut.

And for the most part even myself would declare I did pretty darn good. But this girlie starts to break and simple words from a heart that I know was created by a most amazing God, still hurt. Yep they hurt over 24 hours later. Words that I am not sure where meant to cause such yuck inside me...but they do. Maybe its because I am a girl who struggles with wanting to please everyone and the equation of these words equaled something not being liked about me.

Now really if I am grounded and having me a really strong Jesus moment I can go to the place where those words don't bother...but right now...they bother.

Maybe its because I wanted to come through this challenge...this experience being truly triumphant and proving my obedience. Maybe I wanted a Gold Medal in accomplishment of facing the fire head on and coming out un-burned. Isn't that how the three guys in the fiery furnace did it? So how come I feel totally burned, and completely like I bombed this challenge! Just maybe I wanted this challenge off my to-do list?!

Knowing I will head back to the fire again...as this experience and challenge will come up again!

With tears streaming, rather running, and collecting in big huge pools around my pillows...I have no strength to pray or even know what to say...I read these words:

"Work of My Hands, I know that sometimes My sculpting hurts. Sometimes you feel as though you are looking less like Me rather than more like Me. Don't worry. It's just a stage in the sculpting process. There are intervals in the work of precisely shaping you during which you look like a shapeless, formless lump of clay. Your old shape has been destroyed, but your new shape has not yet emerged. Don't give up. I am the Master Artist. Those are My hands you feel squeezing you and pushing you. I know exactly what I am doing. Blessed one, part of the shaping is done by fire. But it is not a destroying fire; it is a cleansing fire. When you walk through it, it will not burn you. It will refine you. I am in the fire. It is going to burn away the earth stuff still clinging to you. It is going to set the work I have finished so the shape is stable" (Set Apart by Jennifer Kennedy Dean, pg 156-157)

There are still tears, but there is relief coming, I know I can sense it. For I choose to trust that even in this, His purpose, is perfect!


~*~KIMBERLY~*~ said...

Beautiful Nichole. That last quote from Ms Dean's book really made the message sink in. Praise God!

Runner Mom said...

You are just precious! praying for you, Nichole!! Sending you hugs.
Love you!

Cindy said...

Well, my friend, it seems today our hearts are hurting yet attempting to still turn toward Jesus. You allowing your tears to flow freely, me unable to allow my to flow just fill my hurt with more food. Obedient, longing to be, praying to be, desiring to be. Knowing it is a battle against the flesh, be it words, memories, or stress, a battle that Jesus has already overcome.
Thank you my friend for your prayers, believe me they are felt and very much appreciated:)
Praying for you tonight!! Grateful that you have overcome the food fix!
Blessings and love to you,
Cindy xoxoxo

Lori said...

wow, this is good, Nichole!

Help, dear LORD!
I so want that earth stuff burned away, I know it's a stage I'm in and yes, You are refining me, so that finally, it will be YOU I desire to please ALL of the time, and not those around me!
Prayer's coming your way, my friend!

Joyful said...

I just love you my sweet friend. Big girls do cry...and God holds and cherishes each tear. A friend told me just the other day, "tears help feed the ocean, but never flood it...just provide more to float on." I liked that.

Praying for you today even though I know this post was written a month ago. Hugs,