Thursday, January 7, 2010

So Long Self

Hello and welcome to the blog! Now I don't know about you but have you ever felt like others have so arrived and you are back somewhere in their dust just trying to pick yourself up off the ground and see clearly?

Well friends its been a week! A week in which this real Jesus seeking girl has had some knee scraping lessons!

Monday I had to take my oldest little guy back to school. Taking him back to school was so stinkin hard for me! Oh if I could just put into words how my mommy heart was grieving. I really do think it’s a grieving on some level. It was big yucky not fun hurt. I missed him greatly. And the grief was not easily escaped with distraction...and unfortunately my youngest little guy had to 'put up' with a grieving momma.

I got to the end of Monday and I didn’t want to do anymore for anyone! I had nothing to give. I even was ugly enough to tell a friend when she asked how I was doing, ‘not good I am empty and tired of doing and giving to everyone else’ It sounded just as yucky coming out as it did inside me.

The week rolled on and on Tuesday I picked my oldest little guy up from school he told me it had been a terrible day and his little eyes were just ready to burst. I grabbed ahold of his hand and said 'lets go home babe'. He told me a little bit about how a friend and him did not get along that day. I listened but felt he didn’t really want to talk to me. So I served snack and started getting ready for dinner.

The minute the Engineer got home my oldest little guy grabs his hand and tells him…’we need to talk’. What? I about popped I was so immediately mad and angry…it was ugly when the Engineer came back in the kitchen. I was making dinner as if I was a mad woman slamming things down on the counters. I was all huffed up about 'not being the one who gets any good parts of parenting I work and work and don’t reap any benefits'. It was very much an ugly monologue which could have been easily just replaced with the words. What About Me? The Engineer was so gracious and listened so amazingly…he let me vent it all out. My heart hurt so bad.

I went to bed with an aching heart!

A heart that was aching, not rejoicing not living in joy, not content.

Wednesday morning when I woke up I read 1 John 2:1-14. And there was two verses that grabbed my heart;

But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did. 1 John 2:5-6

Jesus used these two verses to grab my heart and ask me a very personal questions,

Nichole are you obeying? Are you living in My love?

It was in these moments with Jesus on Wednesday morning I heard Him speak to my heart. The word He spoke, Selfishness. I have a lot of selfishness in me. I am thinking about how I am feeling, what I want, what I need, what about me? And its not pretty. If I was truly loving my oldest little guy with the love of Jesus than I would be praising God that he has a daddy who is so amazing, a daddy he can talk to, trust, and go to with all things. I wouldn’t be so stinking ugly and selfish and throwing a fit about it not being me that gets that opportunity. But rather the Engineer who is created in His image to be ethical, full of integrity, honest, loving, graceful, caring, and most awesome!

Friends from the deepest part of my heart I come today asking,

What Happens When Women Say No

To self?


God Happens.

And His love is made complete.

And it looks amazing.

Friends I am on a mission to say no to self and let God happen!


Heather F said...

Boy did that ever strike a cord with me! I don't even have the words to tell you. I just really needed that.

Nicole said...

I love this song! Isn't it ugly when we realize how selfish we are? I know that the Lord has been talking to me about selfishness too. In fact, when someone that came to us in our clinic talked to me about selfishness it made me mad at first in regards to what she was saying. She was talking about how drug addicts and any other things such as this this act is rooted in selfishness. She was speaking from personal experience. It was hard for me to hear that because my disillusioned compassion came out and thought "how can you call that selfish-they were just hurting and needed to fill a void". Over several months the Lord has showed me that this act is very selfish along with other acts such as what you explained and if I had time I could think of a few of my own. Satan tells us lies and we believe them. A really common one is that We deserve this or that, and in essence we don't deserve anything, but hell itself. Every gift is a blessing from above. I didn't plan to write all this out cause I need to get to eating some dinner and head over to my in laws to watch the football game, but I want you to know that I'm praying for you, and that it's so cool how when we are walking with a heart open to God and willing to listen to his voice regarding our sin it is beautiful to see how he is taking us all on this same journey of getting rid of self. It is so ugly and I am ready to embrace this selfless life. Every thing is about Him and how he wants to bring glory to His name! Everything is to bring glory to Him! Praise Jesus! Love you!


~*~KIMBERLY~*~ said...

Nichole.... that was mentally painful for me to read... Praise God that He brought you to the end of yourself to say so long self. I love that song!

Lord Jesus, I thank You for using Nichole and making her a better character and being an example for us to learn. In Jesus' name, amen.

Lisa Buffaloe said...

Sweet Nichole, thank you for being honest and for sharing your journey. I love how gently God turns our face back to His. Oh that I would decrease (goodbye, self) and He would increase.

Praying for you and sending a gentle cyber-hug.

Sue J. said...

I'm sorry to hear that the path to Kindergarten is still so painful for you both! That's really hard, Nichole...

I suspect your big guy doesn't understand the depth of the feelings you have regarding his going to school. That coupled with the fact that he is trying to establish a talking relationship with your husband seems like the worst timing ever.

But, our God is good all the time, and praises that He is working in your son to bring about this relationship with your husband. That doesn't mean he doesn't need you, however! And, yes, praises for a husband who is willing to reach out in love and empathy to hear the pain.

This is why He, in His infinite wisdom, gives us strength for A DAY, and not a full week all at once. He knows what you need, Nichole, and He will bring you to a new place with His healing. He already is!

Joyful said...

Nichole I have just sat and savored your past four posts. I haven't eaten breakfast yet, but I feel so full. Thank you for this buffet of teaching that has helped me taste and see that the Lord IS good. Your illustrations and applications speak directly to my heart. Thank you so much my friend.

As I read this post here, I thought of something my sister just sent me. Here is the link:

Love the song!!! My theme song for 2010 is "I'm Letting Go" by Francesca Battistelli.


From the Heart said...

At my age you would think I would have learned this lesson on selfishness by now but no I still feel hurt when my two tell their Dad things and not me. However, he eventually will tell me. If I point blank ask them about something that I'm wondering about in their lives, they will tell me. The oldest one especially. She just doesn't want to worry me but isn't that what Mothers are for, worry and then pray about them. Great lesson you have given to help us grow, let go. I don't think if you are the parent you are supposed to be you never let go, you let them go, but you still are concerned and want to help them if you can.
Thanks for sharing.

Krista said...

Wow! I go through the same kind of scenarios in my life. I get so frustrated and upset. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. He has to remind me that I am being selfish, that loving Him doesn't look the way I am acting, talking, etc. I will choose to yield, but don't always stay the course. Aren't you so thankful for the mercy of God for how He loves us through his Word?

...wrote another poem today truly from the Lord. Stop by and visit. Much love, friend!


Irritable Mother said...

I absolutely LOVE that song!
Love it!!!

Nichole, I do not in any way want to diminish the lesson Jesus brought you through last week.
Not in any way!
Selfishness is a big struggle for me, too.
But would it be OK for me to suggest that God has given you a heart with which to feel, and He knows sometimes those feelings will be hurt ones - even tending toward selfish hurt feelings.
I believe He still loves you when you're having those moments of what I want, what I need, what about me?
And I believe He would welcome you in those moments to come to Him with all your tears and brokenness - and realizations of selfishness - to cry on His shoulder. To receive His love. To let HIM give you what you want and need - that is the understanding of His love for you. And to let you know that He is concerned about YOU.
I fully believe God wants to sanctify us. That He wants us to become more like Jesus. Which obviously means putting off selfishness.
But as I read your words, I felt a certain sadness that you were being so hard on yourself - wanting to be JUST LIKE Jesus. But we aren't going to ever be perfect this side of heaven.
I'm saying this to you, because I see so much similarity between the two of us - Will you let His grace fall on you and carry you through your days? Can you let Him love you and shape you, without beating yourself up?
I love you, Nichole. And I hope my words make sense.

Pinkshoelady said...

Nicole, I don't think there is a mother alive who could not relate to this post.

Motherhood is so full of holding ons letting gos, sacrifices that only we and God know about and selfishness in the midst of all that giving. Its hard to believe that they sometimes go hand in hand.

I've been there more times than I care to admit and I'm suree I will be there again. But thank You God that even when I'm selfish, stubborn and whinney...You love me...You see me as your precious daughter and You point me back to You.

Thanks again Nicole for this post.

By the way Zoie says to tell you hello.


Runner Mom said...

You are not alone sweet friend!! Thanks for sharing what God blessed you with.

And thank you so much for the card and your prayers! YOu are just a precious sister in Christ!