Purpose in the scar

Out of obligation because I was a member of Women’s Ministries Council I attended the Breast Cancer Awareness clinic at church. I was one of two women who were under the age of 30 at the clinic. I was the girl who always let her gynecologist perform the yearly breast exam that was good enough right? After the clinic I went home to rest and relax with my husband for a few minutes before heading up to bed. I went in and joined him on the couch he was watching a Sheryl Crow concert on tv. I sat down kicked my feet up and stretched out. As I reached for a pillow with my left arm I felt pain in the upper part of my chest. I reached my right hand over and felt above my left breast, and there it was a ‘lump’. It was hard and the size of an almond. I spent a few minutes feeling and making sure I wasn’t going crazy…since I had just come home from the clinic and now I was watching Sheryl Crow who had just battled breast cancer, maybe I was just a tad hypersensitive. After a few minutes of pushin’ and pokin’ I couldn’t make it go away it was there. I finally said to my husband, ‘you have to feel this’ he didn’t hesitate for a second once he realized where it was. ‘Do you feel it?’

I remember going to bed that night questioning God’s timing.

I went to see a breast care specialist who confirmed what my husband and I felt. He did an ultrasound. The ultrasound informed us that it was nothing to worry about at this time. I was instructed to make sure the lump didn’t change and to schedule a follow-up appointment in a few months. I did great right after the appointment. Then a few days before I was going in for the follow-up ultrasound I felt a cloud of worry, fear, and doubt surround me.

I went in for another ultrasound, no change! I scheduled a follow-up ultrasound a few months out.

A few days before the ultrasound I started to have a flood of thoughts that I could not hold captive.

I went in for my follow-up appointment and my doctor asked how I was doing. I explained that ‘I did fine until I remembered the lump was in there, and that I feel like I have a ticking time bomb in my chest waiting to go off. I feel like I keep coming back so you can tell me if it has gone off yet!’

The ultrasound showed change in the lump. I was scheduled to have it removed. The lump was removed on a Friday and I waited until Monday afternoon for a phone call from the nurse….benign!

The surgery left me with a one-inch scar.

The purpose of the scar:

 So I can see it and know everyday its there
 To be able to understand and sympathize in the fear of waiting for results
 To encourage women to take care of themselves
 To stand beside women who are going through the process
 To know the feeling of having something in my body that shouldn’t be there
 To submit my fear of the unknown
 To understand beauty is internal and not external
 A visual to know I am forever changed
 To grow in prayer

It’s about faith in God and believing in His purpose for the scar. God’s purpose!